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Trying to be an Eternal Butterfly
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27th-Mar-2009 04:42 pm - In Short
 If my husband and I were songs, he would be...

and I would be....

21st-Jan-2009 02:28 am - My, My, What a Speech
 "It is a firefighter's courage to storm a stairwell filled with smoke but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child that finally decides our fate" (who told Barack Obama that I was listening?)

"What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them."

"We reject as false the choice between our ideals and our safety."

"Your people will judge you for what you can build, not what you can destroy."

"...shaping an uncertain destiny."

"...a most sacred oath..."

"...and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."

"God Bless America"


Oh my, that man can speak.  I know that I am young but I have never been moved by a presidential speech, certainly not any time during the greater half of the last decade.  My head is spinning right now.  I am realizing all of these things as an adult lately that are large and heavy.

First, I have learned without a doubt that the more you learn, the more you will inevitably realize you don't know about basically everything.  The more life experience I gain, the more I understand how little I have accomplished in my life.  The more I value the wisdom of my elders, particularly those that are willing to share.  The more I want to learn and understand.  The more I am dumb founded by the hands that keep our world.   The world seems impossibly big.  There are so many natural wonders that I have never seen before and probably just as many if not more that I have never even heard of.  The Grand Canyon, sequioa trees, the rainforest, mountains, snow, autumn leaves...  I have never traveled outside of the country.  I speak one and three quarter languages.  As for life experiences...right now I feel accomplished when I meet a friend at the park. 

Listening to this extremely historic speech tonight, given by the same man that I saw painted on some memorial plates at walgreens today, I can't resist the instinct to reflect on the road that our people-in the country's history-took to get here.  I think about how shelter my generation of American's has been, those of us growing up in the Clinton era, being taught about slavery and segragation and war as though they were from a really shitty old movie.  It just doesn't register the same way for a elementary school kid sitting in a classroom in South Florida filled with a gradient of skin tones, all I could think was "this is crappy, i'm glad we don't have to deal with that crap.  are you gonna eat that jolly rancher?"  Sadly though, my adult sense perceive a tension that is continously swept under the rug but never really gone.  

Racism baffles me.  It is offensive and harmful for sure.  But on a more basic level, I just don't get it.  So what, that dude looks different than me.  What the hell does that have to do with anything?  Do I notice that a black person is black or that a hispanic person is tan, of course, because I have eyes.  But that is it. I don't understand this attitude of basing all of your understanding and opinions on one of many aspects of a first impression.  It is just part of the information that gets inputed in my brain to save under the file created for that person, right along with age, personality, clothing style, where we met, etc.  I just don't fuckin' get it.  Yes, I am happy that he was able to overcome so many hurdles, I voted for the guy whole heartedly and felt like it was icing on the cake that this well qualified candidate would be making such a break through for minorities.  I don't underestimate or belittle the meaning for people.  But I have just always thought it was weird to live in a country that calls itself free and equal and set aside a month to learn about black history, to celebrate a presidential inaguration behind bullet proof glass, to strap itslef with shallow political correctness, I don't know man.  I feel like if it is that big of a fuckin deal to you that a person looks differently than you do you just walk up to them and ask what the deal is with that and you talk about it like people.  I go crazy listening to people fumble around like idiots cursing each other or reverse stereotyping themselves to death because they love this or that minority so much and just really feel them on their struggle.  What is so hard about open, honest dialogue? Anyway...

I think that it is really moving that our country is changing, to see and try to digest the idea that millions of other people saw the same speech that I did tonight with so many shared fears and expectations for our nations future.  That is a powerful idea.  The concept of the amount of people that we are, standing together and choosing this man that I found so moving tonight, to steer the course of all of us and so many events in the world we live in.  What a strange twist of fate to simply be born here in America, a free woman.  Listening to his speech tonight and allowing that idea to marinate has left me feeling like maybe I should be doing something grander with my freedom, something more meaningful, more grateful.

It is really something to feel inspired to be an American.  It is really something to be encouraged to feel patriotic because we are exceptional in our abilities, our drive, and our great union.  It is really something to listen to a president address me personally somehow, as I sit and watch his speech at 2am on Youtube because my son is finally asleep so I can pay attention.  It is really something to know that standing in line for hours with that same son in tow and filling out my ballad helped this man to get where he is along with every sacrafice and investment his mother ever made for him, the relationships he has formed throughout life, the books he has read, the jobs he has had.  I am endlessly amazed any time I try to retrace my way around God's intricate webbing that we call destiny.  I don't understand it and I don't think I am really supposed to.  But I do know that there were an awful lot of intricate details at work along with grand social actions that were taken to place this man at our podium this afternoon and I am very interested to see where this is all going.

 Today we went back to the dentist, a different one, for a follow up visit for Brian.  As you can imagine I was feeling really apprehensive about having to go back into a dentists office again after how things have gone in the past.  He hate it so much and fights so much.  I got there and it turns out that there was a mix up and our appointment was actually for the 6th not the 16th, but they squeezed us in anyway.  The dentsist was nice.  She actually talked to Brian too, not just me.  She took the time to really answer my questions and talk to me about everything.  The biggest thing though, was that Brian actually laid down with his head in her lap and totally cooperated without any resistance or fussing.  I was f*&^cking shocked.  So because things went so well with her and because his teeth are obviously continuing to deteriorate, we finally went ahead and scheduled the work to be done on the 18th of March.  It takes time to get a spot in the hospital and for the insurance authorizations to go through so that was the soonest option available.   

I don't know what to do with this information.  On the one hand, I will be so HAPPY to see his mouth totally healthy and clean.  On the other hand I am so scared of the complications that could result from putting him under.  There is so much about Brian that no one understands medically and I can't help but worry that he would be the odd ball statistic that experiences complications that most people don't.  I hate that it is time for me to force him to stop nursing at night.  I busted my ass so much to do the right thing for him.  It kills me.  I feel less than or contaminated.  What is wrong with me?  Elise now has small spots on her teeth that look just like Brian's did in the beginning too.  And she struggles with yeast rashes in a way that none of the other kids do.  Am I that freakin' toxic that our brief nursing relationship could be responsible for those things?  Is it really Brian and I's nursing relationship that is responsible for where he is?  I have no idea.  I feel like I have seen all of the doctors, asked all of the questions, and no one has any idea what is going on.  It is exhausting and frustrating.
13th-Jan-2009 11:21 pm - The Internet Came in the Mail
 Today has been one of those days where no effort is quite enough to suit my son's requirements.  He is...interesting on days like this.  We had a pretty good day as far as overall day quality goes I suppose.  We woke up this morning and went for a long with with a friend of mine followed by a half an hour together at the playground on the way home.  He had lots of good snacks to eat, he had touch and feel books to read while we walked.  He fussed in the stroller again, which caused us to stop at two miles rather than going for three like the day before-which was only possible because the chick I was walking with went inside with him to her house and grabbed snacks for him.  Then we get home and he seems happy.  He is playing in his own in his room so I start the shower for me with the bathroom door wide open so he can come in and he was furious.  Did he want his own bath?  No.  He only reviled the fact that the moment I stripped down and got that first drop of shower goodness on me I became out of his reach.  He then through a huge fit when I was done because he didn't want me to clean his butt after he pooped.  We repeated the if you are sick of diapers then you should try to use the toilet more speech to no avail.  So finally he is clean, I get dressed and comb my hair only to find that somehow despite my efforts to be really careful, I had a headful of this mornings freshly hatched lice bugs getting comfortable on my scalp.  AWESOME!  After combing and combing, I nursed my angry thing down for a nap.

I watched Kitchen Nightmares on Hulu while he slept and I ate lunch alone, quietly.  It was good.  He woke up, I cooked him some food things were all good.  We were going to go out for a while so we did the usual toddler stock up routine; full belly, new diaper,water, a few toys, an enthused explanation of where we were headed, and a race to the car that always seems to prove that he is just extremely fast, most likely because he is two and a big man.

Kohls was a balancing of elements I suppose, the elements in this case being shopping high while feeling attractive and toddler with SID hell.  Lets focus on the positives shall we?  First, as soon as I walk in the door I see this guy that I remember from the gym but it took me a minute to place him because I had only seen him sans bandana and sun glasses like twice ever.  He was all for me looking and then it dawned on him and he was like hey wait a minute... Then he was like "oh,ok so you remember me, that's cool, so you still with what's his name?" For the record, I am not at all encouraging of this kind of thing, if anything I am really harsh and introduce myself as Mrs. Frank or something in these instances.  But in my head I am always like "girl you still got it, score one for the wife"  So yeah we finished up with the yeah doesn't Brian look exactly like him, he is a firefighter, yippie deal and I headed for the rug sale.  I have a house now and therefore naughty home embelishing desires.  They were half off AND buy one get one for $1, I had no choice.   So I got Brian his really soft rug for his little closet retreat and a second one for when the first wears out and a nice rug to go in front of the sliding glass doors where all the backyard dirt always tracks in on pitter patting feet.  It coordinates with the one at the front doors and everything. I wanted so many things but held back, drat.

Next we were off to Walgreens, apparently for no reason at all since they didn't have the lice supplies I was going for.  I always wish I could make the attendants in the drive through pharmacy go get things for me.  So, with Nix on the horizon, Walmart found its way into my day some how, fantastic.  But I found the dishes I wanted for like twenty dollars less than any where else and a few other things that are way cheaper there but I would have bought somewhere else, anywhere else, to avoid the hassle and ethical headache.

I do love the dishes though, they are simple but clean and above all durable.  This is them.   I love simple square dishes because they frame food so well.  I also hung up my butterflies in the kitchen in places that are absolutely perfect for them.  I have waited five years to hang those things.  I LOVE IT.  I did a mad clean up of the garage and it has left me overflowing with ideas for things that we can do to customize and upgrade the house that are pretty inexpensive and straight foward.  Technically, it led me to spend too much money on stuff today, especially paired with Brian stress and feeling all icky about bugs-there were some girly purchases.

My husband is like a phantom.  I spend my days with Brian running things alone.  I go to sleep alone some nights, many it seems like.  Mornings before he goes to work the house is hushed and dark but I wake up because I can smell the room filling with is cologne and I find him standing over me to kiss me good bye.  I see his pictures around the house, I drive our car, sleep in our bed, talk to his son about him and where he is when he is away, but I miss him mostly.  He is doing great as a provider.  He stresses.  But he has gotten really disciplined about putting that stress into proactive action toward improving our finances.  I respect his work ethic a lot actually.  And I appreciate it so much, especially with Brian in the mix.  As much as I may set a standard for it, he doesn't have to be so supportive about me staying home with Brian.  

Starting school again has been a great thing all around.  I feel so motivated and productive.  I love the challenge of having more to be responsible for.  It has prompted me to become so much more organized and focused in what I do.  I am exercising more.  The house is cleaner.  Frank feels like we relate better, like he has more of a partner.  I am really excited about the progress that I am making too. So far I am on or ahead of schedule, my first test for both classes is tomorrow, hopefully I will do well, it has been a while since my last test.  I didn't realize how badly I wanted this personal life and ambition until I walked back onto the kendall campus.  The feelings washing over me were crazy.  I feel ravenous for a career.  I am by no means renouncing my current occupation, I just feel really ready to take on more, more as in variety not substance if that makes sense.  I am not downplaying the value of what I do, just trying to do other things too.

Interesting side note, I starting hanging out with a mom that I met at the playground with Biran.  She has a little boy a few years older than Brian and they get along really well and her husband works 24 hour shifts like Frank too.  Talking with her was pretty awesome.  I don't think I have actually put effort into striking up a friendship since high school.  Her and her husband have been together since they were fourteen.  They pray at dinner too.  She talks to her son the way I talk to Brian and she is within walking distance.  It is pretty awesome.  The sidenote deal is just that she parents in a much more mainstream kind of way that in the past would have been a deal breaker for me.  I used to feel so intensely about breastfeeding exclusively, no tylenol, no shots, natural food, delay solids, yadda -yadda-yadda that I felt like it sucked the air out of a room.  But now, I feel like that ain't my baby, I wish that all babies were parented my way because I do believe it is the best way-ideal if you will, but ultimately?  That ain't my baby.  This distancing that seems to be happening at the same pace as Brian's weaning has interesting implications for lactation work, or perhaps a future lack thereof.
23rd-Jun-2007 11:19 pm(no subject)
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