Today has been one of those days where no effort is quite enough to suit my son's requirements. He is...interesting on days like this. We had a pretty good day as far as overall day quality goes I suppose. We woke up this morning and went for a long with with a friend of mine followed by a half an hour together at the playground on the way home. He had lots of good snacks to eat, he had touch and feel books to read while we walked. He fussed in the stroller again, which caused us to stop at two miles rather than going for three like the day before-which was only possible because the chick I was walking with went inside with him to her house and grabbed snacks for him. Then we get home and he seems happy. He is playing in his own in his room so I start the shower for me with the bathroom door wide open so he can come in and he was furious. Did he want his own bath? No. He only reviled the fact that the moment I stripped down and got that first drop of shower goodness on me I became out of his reach. He then through a huge fit when I was done because he didn't want me to clean his butt after he pooped. We repeated the if you are sick of diapers then you should try to use the toilet more speech to no avail. So finally he is clean, I get dressed and comb my hair only to find that somehow despite my efforts to be really careful, I had a headful of this mornings freshly hatched lice bugs getting comfortable on my scalp. AWESOME! After combing and combing, I nursed my angry thing down for a nap.
I watched Kitchen Nightmares on Hulu while he slept and I ate lunch alone, quietly. It was good. He woke up, I cooked him some food things were all good. We were going to go out for a while so we did the usual toddler stock up routine; full belly, new diaper,water, a few toys, an enthused explanation of where we were headed, and a race to the car that always seems to prove that he is just extremely fast, most likely because he is two and a big man.
Kohls was a balancing of elements I suppose, the elements in this case being shopping high while feeling attractive and toddler with SID hell. Lets focus on the positives shall we? First, as soon as I walk in the door I see this guy that I remember from the gym but it took me a minute to place him because I had only seen him sans bandana and sun glasses like twice ever. He was all for me looking and then it dawned on him and he was like hey wait a minute... Then he was like "oh,ok so you remember me, that's cool, so you still with what's his name?" For the record, I am not at all encouraging of this kind of thing, if anything I am really harsh and introduce myself as Mrs. Frank or something in these instances. But in my head I am always like "girl you still got it, score one for the wife" So yeah we finished up with the yeah doesn't Brian look exactly like him, he is a firefighter, yippie deal and I headed for the rug sale. I have a house now and therefore naughty home embelishing desires. They were half off AND buy one get one for $1, I had no choice. So I got Brian his really soft rug for his little closet retreat and a second one for when the first wears out and a nice rug to go in front of the sliding glass doors where all the backyard dirt always tracks in on pitter patting feet. It coordinates with the one at the front doors and everything. I wanted so many things but held back, drat.
Next we were off to Walgreens, apparently for no reason at all since they didn't have the lice supplies I was going for. I always wish I could make the attendants in the drive through pharmacy go get things for me. So, with Nix on the horizon, Walmart found its way into my day some how, fantastic. But I found the dishes I wanted for like twenty dollars less than any where else and a few other things that are way cheaper there but I would have bought somewhere else, anywhere else, to avoid the hassle and ethical headache.
I do love the dishes though, they are simple but clean and above all durable. This is them.
I love simple square dishes because they frame food so well. I also hung up my butterflies in the kitchen in places that are absolutely perfect for them. I have waited five years to hang those things. I LOVE IT. I did a mad clean up of the garage and it has left me overflowing with ideas for things that we can do to customize and upgrade the house that are pretty inexpensive and straight foward. Technically, it led me to spend too much money on stuff today, especially paired with Brian stress and feeling all icky about bugs-there were some girly purchases.
My husband is like a phantom. I spend my days with Brian running things alone. I go to sleep alone some nights, many it seems like. Mornings before he goes to work the house is hushed and dark but I wake up because I can smell the room filling with is cologne and I find him standing over me to kiss me good bye. I see his pictures around the house, I drive our car, sleep in our bed, talk to his son about him and where he is when he is away, but I miss him mostly. He is doing great as a provider. He stresses. But he has gotten really disciplined about putting that stress into proactive action toward improving our finances. I respect his work ethic a lot actually. And I appreciate it so much, especially with Brian in the mix. As much as I may set a standard for it, he doesn't have to be so supportive about me staying home with Brian.
Starting school again has been a great thing all around. I feel so motivated and productive. I love the challenge of having more to be responsible for. It has prompted me to become so much more organized and focused in what I do. I am exercising more. The house is cleaner. Frank feels like we relate better, like he has more of a partner. I am really excited about the progress that I am making too. So far I am on or ahead of schedule, my first test for both classes is tomorrow, hopefully I will do well, it has been a while since my last test. I didn't realize how badly I wanted this personal life and ambition until I walked back onto the kendall campus. The feelings washing over me were crazy. I feel ravenous for a career. I am by no means renouncing my current occupation, I just feel really ready to take on more, more as in variety not substance if that makes sense. I am not downplaying the value of what I do, just trying to do other things too.
Interesting side note, I starting hanging out with a mom that I met at the playground with Biran. She has a little boy a few years older than Brian and they get along really well and her husband works 24 hour shifts like Frank too. Talking with her was pretty awesome. I don't think I have actually put effort into striking up a friendship since high school. Her and her husband have been together since they were fourteen. They pray at dinner too. She talks to her son the way I talk to Brian and she is within walking distance. It is pretty awesome. The sidenote deal is just that she parents in a much more mainstream kind of way that in the past would have been a deal breaker for me. I used to feel so intensely about breastfeeding exclusively, no tylenol, no shots, natural food, delay solids, yadda -yadda-yadda that I felt like it sucked the air out of a room. But now, I feel like that ain't my baby, I wish that all babies were parented my way because I do believe it is the best way-ideal if you will, but ultimately? That ain't my baby. This distancing that seems to be happening at the same pace as Brian's weaning has interesting implications for lactation work, or perhaps a future lack thereof.