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Trying to be an Eternal Butterfly

Eternal Butterfly
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  • eternamariposa@livejournal.com
I've been married for almost five years and we are about to celebrate our twelve year anniversary. We were only ever seperated once, for about three months in the very beginning. He is my best friend, my inspiration, my partner in every way. We have grown up together, although I doubt we're done, he makes me laugh my ass off, still surprises me, and challenges me to always be more than I am. We have learned what people mean when they say that marriage is work and we have never found work that is more worth doing. Life is unpredicatable and sometimes cruel but the darkness always falls away eventually and there is no one I would rather bask in the light of dawn with than him.

I am watching my husband become the man he was built to be and it is incredible. I have never seen anyone live out their potential this way before, actually finding their niche in the world so exactly. The results are amazing. He sees everything. He sees the redundancy that leads people to grow callous in the light of the years, he sees things more shocking daily than most people in a life time. He witnesses humanity at its lowest, saddest, most spiteful, and most desperate as well as its most loving and grateful; such is the curse of participating in raw human vulnerability. I worry about him obsessively. I worry about the burden he carries every time he arrives on a scene filled with the expectation that no matter what things will get better once the medic arrive, once he arrives. I worry about his eyes and all of the things that they will see and never be able to unsee. I worry about his body being burned, broken, or infected. I worry but I know that this is his place and for that I am proud that he takes up his purpose with such passion and integrity. I am proud that he is moved to respond even at his own expense. It is a strange knowledge to carry around that my husband is the man running into your house while the flames swallow it to save whoever you could not as you instinctually ran for your life. I have learned that he is wired differently. He is what he does.

Becoming a mother has made me a woman. I stand more firmly and with my head held a bit higher. I appreciate the scope of my feminity in a way that I never knew I could. It has made more confident, understanding that my body is meant to evolve continuosuly and repeatedly and that the scars that are left behind following each transition are only proof of the miracles that I have accomplished. I have shed a great deal of burden thatI seemed to be weighted with in my adolescence that came from many sources that were close to my heart at different times in my life. I have also shed a certain slefishness through the devotion that I have to my son. He is God's most useful aid in refining me into shinning silver.

This is the part of my biography where I "discovered my calling" apparently. Well...lets just say that I have not been fortunate enough, or perhaps spiritually cooperative enough, to have the clear sight of my purpose that my husband has. I have shot my self off into many directions and ricocheted off of many others. I can't say that I feel prepared to take on lactation work if I am honest. I feel a duty to help whenever I can. But I don't feel passionate about the pursuit the way I used to. My personal nursing relationship has been an adventure and it is changing in a way that leaves me really uncertain about whether or not I could really enjoy freezing myself in a lactation enviornment. I am, however, prepared to admit that mothering alone is not all I want in life. I want to be good at it. It will remain my top priority, but I want more or other if that makes sense. I want to have a reason to where business attire and heels. I want places to go outside of the house. I want to need to know what day of the week it is because different things happen on different days. I want to interact with a wide variety of people. I want to live in the world so that I can be a qualified guide for Brian. I want to be multifaceted. I want to be suprising, maybe even a contradiction. Yes, I think I like that idea very much. I love to be things that seem to conflict. I love to be extremes. I carry an explosive temper along side of a very soft heart. I love my domestic side and my vixen side. I am very spiritual in the ways that I approach life and yet I curse like a sailor. I don't know. It is just me. I relish conflict. It motivates me and challenges me to be better, to be more.

I am learning how to be happy on an ongoing basis without constantly searching for all of the reasons why I don't deserve to be so happy, why I should feel guilty for it, or why it isn't safe to get too comfortable.

I am a feminist who is thankful to have the freedom to choose to stay home, nurse my baby, and devote myself to my family. I believe that that is precisely what feminsim is or at least should be, choice. That being said I do carry certain convictions that I hold to be truths personally. I believe that there is never a place for hate crimes but I can not stand tip toeing around the bottom line and demanding that people always be politically correct. I think that if we can choose honesty balanced with humility that everyone will be alright.

I am a Christian who aspires to live up to that title, living as Christ like as I can, always struggling and hopefully always evovling.

I write to release. I write to discover. I write to understand. I write to be. For these reasons, my journal has been and will remain friends only.

It is May 20, 2016 and I have two more children and have been married for an additional seven years at this point. I aspire to recapture the pieces of the woman who wrote this original bio and to carry them forward into my personal evolution. I have a lot of searching to do. A lot of work to do. I also have a great deal of gratitude that the door is open to do it all. I am alive, I am relatively healthy, family intact, politically free.

I have decided to revive my old journal as a private, for me only, venture. I don't know if other people can still see my profile or not, but this is for me. I am carving out a safe space to record the journey that i have needed to begin for quite some time now. I wanted to have a place to come back to and find myself, have a conversation with myself, hear what my voice sounds like in the sea of voices and personalities that I swim with everyday.